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poetry, whispers

dear amy,

I am desperately pessimistic right now

familiarity with a place makes it seem small
and everyone in it seem a bit silly
as though they’re all trying to ______

<fill in the blank>

hold on to their imagined identities, maybe,
i don’t know,
have others tell them they’re worth it
that their names might go down in history books
or literature books
or books with big bindings,
books on big business

but who reads anymore?

as though they need someone to spark an interest in them
by questioning what they know
and whether they really know it
blossoming to the extent they are believed in
but only because of the challenge

it has always been really hard to simplify like that for me
find the right word to define the angle I see from
I never worked well in boxes

it’s lonely.
real homesick.

the way to win the game is pretty obvious
swim in name drop swamp
inflate ego stretched thin to stay afloat
it isn’t novel
it never was
and that whole fiasco sort of takes the magic out of me
though I guess I never really knew this until lately

regardless
it’s all so meaningless in other parts of the world
it doesn’t even matter
it’s all anyone talks about

We are living in a crazy time
the internet has changed things
took free hanging strings and connected them to everything
we are connected now to everything

and it made me think
how I’m all wound up in a ball of string from being
attached to so many people and things.
sometimes so stuck it seems liberating
like a straight jacket

because I know if i moved
it would follow me
as it always does

you have to build a fortress in yourself

where you are

anywhere you are

create it
cre(m)ate
cre(m)ator
cre(m)ating
cre(m)ated

god I am getting so old
with nothing to show for it
but some small scars
sadly unoriginal stories,
some cliches,
and too many hand me down clothes in my closet
not enough pages written
not enough words spoken which obtained their desired effect
not even a desired effect
other than anything but the effect
I am not having
at all
on anyone
because of all of these infinite little connections

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About nicolemcfeely

let be be finale of seem

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June 2011
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